Tuesday, May 27, 2008

New Job + Exhaustion = Insurmountable Worry

I started my research internship today. It went fine, but, needless to say, I’m completely exhausted. I haven’t done this much activity in a long time. By the time I got home, I felt like my body was going to shatter into a million pieces.

I’ve realized that I can work through the pain. It’s the exhausti0n that is really debilitating. Well, actually, whether I can handle the pain vacillates on what seems like a daily basis. Today it was the fatigue that was really the problem.

And my advisor wants me to take a class. The class would be during work time, which is fine. But it meets everyday and I’m really worried about getting the work done, especially if I come home exhausted from work every night.

This brings me to the old question – who do I tell what? Do I admit that I’m worried about taking a class and explain everything that has been going on or do I attempt it and hope for the best?

It seems that every time I attempt to push myself to the limits (or what used to be my 95%), my body pushes back and reminds me that I’m no longer in control.

Career enrichment-wise, the class would be helpful, but body-wise, probably not so good. Today I felt the most stressed that I have in a long time and this was a relatively easy day.

And also, I’m trying to figure out when to pick up my prescriptions. It’s a matter of coordinating my work schedule and walking/bus/transportation, along with making sure that I actually get my medication before it runs out.

Not a big deal, but sort of.

I guess it’s not as simple as picking up and going. I can have the most ironclad plans, but that doesn’t mean that my pain or fatigue isn’t going to interfere with those plans.

Early this morning I was intending to stop by the grocery store to pick something up on my way home, but in the end, I was far too exhausted to make the effort.

And all I can keeping thinking is that every time I fail myself by not following through on something, even as small as going to the grocery store, inevitably, at some point, I will end up failing someone other than myself. And lately I’ve come accustomed to failing myself, but failing others is NOT who I am.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there

    I don't know you, I just came across your blog through a Google search. So, please feel free to ignore my comments if you like... but since you're blogging I guessed you were open to responses. I don't know too much about your conditions, although my aunt has lupus so I know a bit about how it affects her. She gets tired too. It sounds like you are beating yourself up a bit, if you don't mind me saying so. Sometimes we push and push and push, and for what? Is it making you any happier? It may eventually end up making you richer, but is that going to necessarily make you happier? Just ask yourself who you're pushing for, I'm sure you're just fine as you are... and sometimes it's easy to forget that we are in control of how much stress we are under. If it's too much then drop something. There is no race and there are no prizes, you are responsible for looking after yourself. So, why not start enjoying every day rather than worrying?

    Like I said, perhaps I am neither qualified or invited to advise... just be good to yourself!