I started my research internship today. It went fine, but, needless to say, I’m completely exhausted. I haven’t done this much activity in a long time. By the time I got home, I felt like my body was going to shatter into a million pieces.
I’ve realized that I can work through the pain. It’s the exhausti0n that is really debilitating. Well, actually, whether I can handle the pain vacillates on what seems like a daily basis. Today it was the fatigue that was really the problem.
And my advisor wants me to take a class. The class would be during work time, which is fine. But it meets everyday and I’m really worried about getting the work done, especially if I come home exhausted from work every night.
This brings me to the old question – who do I tell what? Do I admit that I’m worried about taking a class and explain everything that has been going on or do I attempt it and hope for the best?
It seems that every time I attempt to push myself to the limits (or what used to be my 95%), my body pushes back and reminds me that I’m no longer in control.
Career enrichment-wise, the class would be helpful, but body-wise, probably not so good. Today I felt the most stressed that I have in a long time and this was a relatively easy day.
And also, I’m trying to figure out when to pick up my prescriptions. It’s a matter of coordinating my work schedule and walking/bus/transportation, along with making sure that I actually get my medication before it runs out.
Not a big deal, but sort of.
I guess it’s not as simple as picking up and going. I can have the most ironclad plans, but that doesn’t mean that my pain or fatigue isn’t going to interfere with those plans.
Early this morning I was intending to stop by the grocery store to pick something up on my way home, but in the end, I was far too exhausted to make the effort.
And all I can keeping thinking is that every time I fail myself by not following through on something, even as small as going to the grocery store, inevitably, at some point, I will end up failing someone other than myself. And lately I’ve come accustomed to failing myself, but failing others is NOT who I am.