Thursday, May 29, 2008

How Do We Know When We're Ready To Change?

This, I think, is a very good question and one that really resonates with me right now.

I know that I am going to have to learn to cut myself some slack – that what used to be my 95% is now my 110%.

I was always a go, go, go, and never stop type of person.

But I can’t be that way anymore. Or I’ll crash and burn… fast.

I don’t have any specific orders from my doctors about what I can and can’t do, but I guess if it gets to that point, I’m really in trouble. Well, if you ask me, I’ll always keep going until I can’t anymore. But with the way my life is now, that is not a realistic plan.

So I can think all of this in my head and know that I need to do it. But how do I? How do I know when I’m ready to change? I mean, me calling the shots, not my body forcing me to slow down and take a rest, not other people telling me what to do - me.

But how do you train yourself to let go? To let go of stress, frustration, hurt, anger, the need to be everywhere and do everything. How do you let go of being yourself and yet keeping things the way they are?

Clearly I am still losing this part of the game. I was too tired to workout Tuesday night, but I forced myself to do it last night. By the end of the workout, and still this morning, my hips feel like I am 80 years old.

Needless to say, I’m not too pleased with this. It makes me wonder how smart it was to start a 40-hour a week job a month after steroid infusions. I fear that they may be beginning to wear off…

That said, something in my life needs to change and I need to be the one to change it. But I’m not sure what it is yet.

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