I’ve decided to write a series of letters to my dad and felt like I wanted to share them here as I hope it will bring clarity, not only for me, but also for those of you who have followed me on this journey.
It has been three months since you’ve been gone, and I’d like to say that it has gotten easier, but it hasn’t. I miss you more with every passing day. And while I’m excited to be going home to Michigan for Thanksgiving, it won’t be the same without you. And I will acutely feel your absence and the fact that, that is never going to change.
I’ve decided to write some letters to you and post them on my blog when I feel like I need to share what’s going on in my life.
You’d be amazed by all of the kindness and compassion that has been shown to us over the last few months, even from strangers, as those that knew you try to grapple with your loss and what it means for our lives going forward.
I’ve been working on a project for you, and I think you’d be really proud. I’m putting the letter writing skills you taught me to good use. That’s all I can say about it right now, but I do hope to share more about it when appropriate.
I try to hide my pain, but a world without you in it doesn’t seem right. I know we didn’t talk on the phone a lot, but now that you’re gone, I find myself wanting to talk to you more and more, and wish I had done a better job of cultivating that part of our relationship while you were alive.
I was in Boston this weekend for a blogging thing, and I cried the hardest I have for you in a long time. It took me by surprise. I’m not sure what brought it on, other than the fact that the project I’m working on has forced me to relive the details of your death over and over again. Some days are okay, and some days are harder.
Mom made Molly and I pick out something from a jewelry box I never even knew you had. I picked a cool ring that is square and very geometric. I wear it every day, and in a weird way, it makes me feel more connected to you.
I’ve gotten so many compliments on the ring, and I proudly tell people that it was my dad’s. I never realized how small your fingers were because the ring actually fits me fine. I don’t want to be a downer, but it’s hard not to tell people that you died and that’s why I have the ring. I’d much, much, much rather have you here than have one of your rings, but every time I look at it, it’s a reminder of all of the good you brought to my life, and the fact that you will always be with me.
There’s a lot I haven’t said, but it’s important that the world know what happened to you. It’s important that you know that I am fighting for you, and that I won’t stop fighting for you until things change. I don’t want another family to go through what we went through. And I hope I can see this through.
I love you daddy,