Saturday, June 7, 2008

Peer Pressure, Sort Of

Lately I’ve been hearing about all the great things my friends are doing – running marathons, getting new jobs, moving to new cities, writing articles and books - and then there’s me, trying simply to survive.

I used to run circles around my competition. Now I fear that they run circles around me.

I’ve always been a competitive person, mostly with myself. Always pushing myself harder, faster, and farther. But I can’t do that anymore. Well, I can try, but I have a feeling that the outcome won’t be a very good one.

And it’s not exactly that I can’t, it’s that I don’t have the energy to.

The worst part is not necessarily that I can’t go out and run a marathon tomorrow like some of my friends can. It’s that I’m jealous of their ability and frustrated with my inability.

Maybe this is all some strange sort of mind game. If you asked the people around me if they noticed anything, they’d probably say no, except that I’ve told them about what has been going on.

So, is this just self-imposed doubt I’m suffering from, or am I really behind the curve?

Or, do I have to throw “that” curve out the window altogether and figure out my own? Forge my own path, a shortcut through a never-ending maze. Just like the fact that I was on my own growth chart pretty much my whole life because I was born severely premature. But that’s a whole other story.

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