Well, I
can’t believe that I’m writing this, but this is my 500th post. Incidentally, the 5th anniversary
of my blog came and went in April, and I kind of forgot. That’s what happens when you are writing a
dissertation and planning for the future, all at once.
I feel
like I can say (and hopefully don’t jinx the fact that) things have finally started
to fall into place for me. I can’t
disclose all of it right now, but I feel like I’ve found my niche, in life and
in love. I feel like I’ve found where I
belong.
I am
slowing cutting ties in Michigan, which is harder than I thought it would be. I will finish my volunteer position, which I
have held for almost four years, next week.
As the next few months move forward, I will close out more and more of
this chapter, as I am preparing for the next chapter.
And it’s
so strange. I got sick here, and
diagnosed here. This blog began
here. I met my boyfriend here.
So many
things have happened here. I’ve been in
this town for a total of 10 years. A
little more than a third of my life has been spent here.
And now I
have to start over, make new memories somewhere else.
But I
won’t be alone.
I’ve
learned so much over the last several years, but mainly I have learned that
there is life in spite of illness. It
can be very difficult at times, downright sucky, but it is possible. I have had to accept my limitations, which
isn’t always easy.
And I’m
learning to trust. I had a lot of bad
guy experiences following when I first got sick. And it felt like it was me. Like I wasn’t worthy, like I was damaged
goods. So I relied on people to build me
up, who couldn’t possibly.
But I have
found that person. And although I have
to pinch myself some times to remind myself that it’s real, I can trust
him. And of course, I worry. Of course there are moments when I’m sleeping
18 hours a day that I can’t imagine why he would hang around. But I think were past that. I think he’s here to say, and so am I.
So this is
a reflection, but it’s also a celebration.
Somewhere along the way, I did something right. I’m not sure what it was, because for a while
it only seemed like bad things could happen to me.
My health
is okay. Not totally stable, but not
careening through the universe at lightening speed, either. I’m trying not to think too hard about the
fact that when I move will come with it new insurance and new doctors.
I don’t
know who I’d be without illness. That’s
no longer an option.
Sometimes
I don’t feel my age. We’ll go out, have
a drink or two, and I’m down for the rest of the weekend.
But I also
know myself better than I did before.
Sometimes
I feel totally in control and sometimes I feel like I have no idea what’s going
on. Being sick has taught me that in
many ways, we aren’t in control.
It’s weird
to think that illness may have been a gift.
It’s kind of a macabre thought. But
as I look back, I could see ending up insanely unhappy if I would have stayed
directly on the path that I was on. It took
illness to make me see what was truly important, and what I am truly passionate
about.
Now on the
days when I can’t get out of bed, remind me that I said this. But for right now, things are different than I
expected them to be, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
This is my
story. And this is only the beginning.
Just a
note that my blogging may be less consistent over the next several months, as I
finish my dissertation, defend it, move to another state, and begin the next
chapter. I hope I have loads of time to
keep blogging, but if not, you know why, and know that it is only a temporary
hiatus.
So please
keep reading.
I owe so
much to the community that has been created here. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
This blog
has been a gift for me. You all have
been gifts. And I hope that I have
helped or inspired or made you think or laugh or cry.
it's so wonderful to hear you say all of this. In the time I've known you, I've seen a distinct change. You've become more self-assured, more peaceful and a lot happier. It's been good to see.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to sharing your next adventure!
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDelete"I have learned that there is life in spite of illness. It can be very difficult at times, downright sucky, but it is possible."
Wise words.
So happy to read things are going well and falling into place, Leslie!
ReplyDeleteSo glad that things have come together so well lately. You deserve good things in your life, and I'm happy you're getting them!
ReplyDelete