When I first got sick, I was totally scared of needles. After getting 27 tubes of blood drawn – yes, I’m not exaggerating, I counted before I passed out (just kidding, I didn’t pass out, shockingly) – at my first rheumatologist appointment, that knocked the fear out of me real quick.
But that doesn’t mean I enjoy getting blood drawn or that it is a particularly pleasant experience. In fact, most of the time, it’s not. I’m a hard stick and I’ll be the first to admit that.
After my recent hellish appointment with my new rheumatologist – read until I fire her – the phlebotomists at her office stuck me four times to no avail. I’d like to blame it all on the fact that I hadn’t eaten lunch or had anything to drink because I ended up spending three hours sitting in the doctor’s office. But the next day, I went to a hospital lab in the morning, after just eating and drinking, and got stuck four times, as well. Thankfully, at least the second time around, they were able to get all the blood they needed.
But in the process, between both labs, a lot of pretty dumb stuff was said. Most of it isn’t stuff that I haven’t heard before. But the more I hear it, the more annoyed I get.
So, without further ado and in no particular order:
1. “You don’t have any veins.”
Clearly I have veins. I am alive.
2. “You really are a hard stick.”
My body may be a lot of things. Weird is definitely one of them. And unpredictable. But one thing I know with certainty is that I AM A HARD STICK!!! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
3. About those attempts where no blood flows, but as soon as they pull the needle out, out comes the blood:
“Well, at least it’s bleeding now.”
Literally, if another phlebotomist says this to me ever again, I will probably punch them. This isn’t cute or funny. It’s called DO YOUR JOB and GET IT RIGHT.
4. “I bet that didn’t hurt at all.”
Yeah, well, that’s something that I wouldn’t bet money on, because you will lose that gamble.
And don’t ever, ever tell me how I should or should not feel. Until you’re sitting in my seat, having a stranger poke and prod you, you have no idea what it’s like.
5. “Can you straighten your arm more please?”
No I cannot. I have ARTHRITIS. What part of that is so difficult to understand? Thanks for asking nicely though. You get an A for effort and an E for execution.
6. “Are you sure you’re okay/don’t want any juice?”
I’m super, thanks for asking. But in reality, if you really cared, you wouldn’t ask that question because you know that the answer is “no”. There’s nothing enjoyable about the experience, whether it goes “well” or terrible.
I know that you just want to make sure that I’m not about to pass out and hit my head on the floor and make your job even more difficult than it already is.
This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve never passed out from a blood draw and I’m not about to start now.
7. “I’m going to try one more time…”
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I love more than getting stuck with a needle, so I could let you poke me all day if you really want to, but if you’ve tried twice and failed, you’re out. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. And I don’t care if the lab you work for allows for three or four sticks per phlebotomist. If you try twice and get nothing, there is a high likelihood that you won’t get anything no matter how hard, or how many times, you try.
8. “Wow, the last lab did a really bad job.”
You’re only allowed to say this if you do an arguably better job. So in theory, if the previous lab stuck me four times and didn’t get any blood, and you stick me four times and get blood, you did a slightly better job. But to me, unless you get everything in one or two sticks, you haven’t earned the right to bash whoever maimed me previously.
9. “You’re going to feel the teensiest, tiniest, little prick.”
And you’re just a prick, no size required. So I guess it all balances out in the end.
10. “That’s going to leave a mark.”
I know I bruise easily, and in some ways, it comes with the territory. But if you’ve stabbed me in such a way that you can already tell I’m going to bruise, we have a big, big problem.
So please don’t state the obvious and don’t pat yourself on the back for a job NOT well done. Sorry if I’m not signing your praises. Sorry if I don’t want to see you ever again. Don’t quit your day job. Oh wait…this is your day job…
So there you have it. If you’re chronically ill, you’ve probably heard some variation on many of these phrases. And if by chance a phlebotomist or future phlebotomist happens to be reading this, please don’t take a page out of this book. This is a guide of what not to do.
Sorry if I sound angry. But if something had been done to me unwilling and without my consent, and I had the bruises pictured below, it would probably be considered assault. So forgive me if the routine is starting to wear on me.
Last Week’s War Wounds
It’s all a little too reminiscent of That Time I Got Manhandled By A Phlebotomist.