There’s a lot going on in my life right now.
I had a repeat colposcopy yesterday, a psychiatrist appointment on the 1st, a kidney ultrasound on the 4th and a follow-up appointment with my PCP on the 8th.
And I feel like shit.
If I wasn’t completely, totally, and utterly exhausted from this flare, I’d be totally exhausted by the litany of appointments I have coming up.
And the last colposcopy I had sent me into a four or five day flare, so the fact that this procedure is happening right now is really sucky.
Chronic illness is unpredictable. So is life.
But it hurts to walk, to breathe, you name it. Climbing the stairs to my third-floor walk-up might as well be climbing Mount Everest right now.
I wonder how much of yourself you have to give up on this chronic illness journey. It’s not just about the blood they take and the biopsies and the litany of other procedures.
At what point do you go from being yourself, a human being, with thoughts and feelings, to just being a patient, a number, and nothing more?
Right now I feel like a piece of meat.
I get poked and prodded, told things I don’t want to hear, and I guess I’m supposed to sit there and take it, without showing emotion or disdain.
This journey is hard, and some people make it harder.
I need a break from all this. The last few weeks have actually made me feel like a sick person. And I don’t like that. At 27 years old, there should be a whole lot more to my life than doctors’ appointments, medical procedures, and not feeling well.
And to some extent, there is. My family and friends are very supportive and willing to help in any way they can. And my boyfriend has been by my side every step of the way. So that’s not what’s missing in this equation. What’s missing is some relief. What’s missing is a medical professional really taking a holistic approach and actually caring how I feel, both physically and emotionally.
But that’s not what’s happening. Instead, I feel like a cow being led to slaughter. And a human being, a person shouldn’t have to feel that way.
For the first time in a long time, I feel damaged. I feel less than. And it’s not a good feeling at all.