You know, rather than punch people in the face, as one of my previous posts suggested I want to do, I’ve decided to come up with a battle cry, and I think the title of this post is just about perfect.
It’s so annoying when I talk to people and they tell me I’m too young to be sick. I have lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, among other things. I’m 25 years old. Clearly I’m NOT too young for this.
Even a recent article in the Huffington Post backs up the fact that I am not too young for this. The article’s title says it all: “Preexisting Conditions Afflict Up To Half of Americans Under 65.”
Do people not think I am aware of my situation? I’m 25, but sometimes I feel (and possibly even behave) like I am 80 years old. I am aware that this is not the “normal” course of events that life should take. But it is my life.
I think people think they are being nice when they say this. I think in their heads it sounds like I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It shouldn’t be happening to you. You don’t deserve this. But to me, it sounds like I did something wrong. If I’m too young, but it’s still happening to me, then clearly I am the problem.
I don’t think these comments are made with malicious intent, but they are not made with much thought, either. Rather than saying nothing, people try to fill up empty space with comments that are equally empty. In this case, If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all, doesn’t really work. But what about If you can’t think of anything intelligent to say, don’t say anything at all? Leave the empty space empty. Don’t say something just to fill air. Because these types of comments are worthless and sometimes even border on hurtful and offensive.
Better to let illness remain the elephant in the room than to try to come up with a comment that shows you clearly don’t understand the situation.
This statement is supposed to be some kind of consolation, but it’s not. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. It doesn’t make me feel better about things; it makes me feel worse about them.
When people tell me I’m too young for this, I feel like saying: Wow, thanks for stating the obvious. And if this is true, THEN WHY THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
This goes along with other unsolicited advice and opinions that healthy people give, and are so adept at giving. Or they ask questions like, “Are you really sure you actually have lupus?” As opposed to what, ass wipe, chronic constipation and pelvic dyssenergia? Oh wait, I have that, too! You lose. I’m just too awesome for words.
But seriously, my GI doc told me that I’m too young to be having the problems with my gut that I am. Well that’s just great. Even doctors fall into this trap. Sometimes they say the most unhelpful things.
So much of a chronically ill person’s time is spent dealing with healthy people and the stupid shit that they say and do. I think many of us try to educate those around us about how best to treat a sick person. This usually means treating us like we are people, and not acting weird or saying inappropriate things. This isn’t rocket science, people, it’s common sense.
Yes, I’m too young for this. So what are you going to do about it?
No more Miss Nice Girl.
Leslie, this post touched me at so many levels! It's probably everything that I would want to say to the world. Thanks for being the voice for so many.
ReplyDeleteP.S.: Have shared the link on FB, Hope that's okay!
Substitute my own health issues for yours, and I've heard the exact same platitudes a thousand million times. It gets old.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts. It's unfortunate that we young, sick folks have to put up with ridiculous blanket statements, but it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone in it.
Yes, thank you for sharing this. I am also 25, and sooo sick of hearing these things, too. You've stated how I feel very well. I just wish that none of us had to deal with it. Blessings.
ReplyDelete"I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It shouldn’t be happening to you. You don’t deserve this."
ReplyDeleteI do believe that the above is exactly what the vast majority of people mean when they say "But you're too young for that...!" But I understand your frustration, too. People said it to me regarding my RA back when I WAS still young. ;o) If it's any consolation, as you age, they'll stop saying it.
In the meantime, patience and grace work best. If there's time, and they're open to it, explain to those who tell you you're too young to have lupus and RA WHY you really aren't.
No, they're not being helpful by saying that. But then, how could they be? We don't want sympathy, either, and most of us don't want people falling over themselves trying to help us, as it's embarrassing and draws attention. I think maybe "normal" people are between a rock and hard place when faced with debilitating disease in others -- just as we are in ourselves.
Best to you, Leslie. Sending calm, warmth and hugs your way.
Yes and the favorite of "You look so good" which in their minds mean I must be making it up that I'm "sick" b/c I look "good"
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
Don't take it personal. They really do not know what to say because your case is quite rare under normal circumstances but most people can not understand Lupus because it makes no logical sense.
ReplyDeleteI would completely agree! It's like "well yeah I'm too young for this...NO SHIT sherlock!" Thanks for re-affirming this. But then again, I don't really think they know what to say. Because you can't truly understand it until you live through it yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe only other most annoying this is unsolicited advice!
"So much of a chronically ill person’s time is spent dealing with healthy people and the stupid shit that they say and do. I think many of us try to educate those around us about how best to treat a sick person. This usually means treating us like we are people, and not acting weird or saying inappropriate things. This isn’t rocket science, people, it’s common sense. "
ReplyDeleteI like this statement!
Also, really all we need is REAL EMPATHY!!!!!!!! My good friend has mono right now and keeps on bitching about how tired she is...like bitching a lot, and I told her I feel like that daily and have for the past ten years plus and she totally snubbed me and said, "well this doesn't feel normal for me!" Doesn't give her any more right to complain, when I never complain.
I get this. all. the. time. with my type 2 diabetes.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Like I wanted it.
I've gotten that too, even from my doctor. From other people, it's not as big a deal, although it seems like a meaningless comment, but when my doctor said it, I wanted to say, "Ok, then why can't you figure out what's wrong with me and an idea for fixing it?"
ReplyDelete