Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Get Knocked Down...

“[…] I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never going to keep me down […]”

“Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba

I was told not very long into this whole “illness process” that eventually my illnesses would no longer be a part of my core identity.

Well guess what?

It appears that the more I try “seamlessly” incorporating them into my “core being”, the more they fight their way out.

You know, I’m really trying to make this semester work, but I’m not really feeling it.

I come home from my two night classes exhausted and in pain. There’s a time, about ¾ of the way through each class when the pain hits, enough to make me grimace, enough to make me contemplate leaving the room to cry.

And so I wonder, are there ever times that you just feel like crying?

For no particular reason. It’s not that the pain is so, so bad. It’s just the reminder that, oh yeah, on top of everything else, there’s this, too!

I guess the truth of the matter is that I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed.

In some ways, I feel like I’m being asked in every area of my life to do soul searching.

And do you know what I say to that?


Wasn’t last year being hit with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis during my first year of graduate school enough? Didn’t I do enough self-exploration/re-evaluation to last a lifetime? Aren’t whichever gods are responsible for this stroke of whatever you want to call it satisfied?

Because I certainly am.

I’m sick and tired of feeling two steps behind when I used to be four steps ahead.

I’m sick and tired of feeling exhausted all the time.

And I’m really sick of getting sick the second that I haven’t been diligent with self-care.

And of course, issues abound. There seems to be no end to drama in my life.

And lately, I seem to be fighting back, which honestly, is a little disconcerting to me. On the one hand, it feels good. For a lot of reasons, I’m frustrated with being pushed around, feeling like a person that doesn’t matter, that people can simply walk all over.

On the other hand, though, I’m worried that my newfound “boldness” might get me into trouble.

The list of worries and cares seems to be never ending.

“Mama said there'll be days like this,
There’ll be days like this Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)”

“Mama Said” by The Shirelles

But wait a minute… Did mom really say that? And if she did, I don’t think she was including chronic illness as a factor (well, maybe when I’m 80).

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