There’s a
rant I’ve been meaning to post for a long time.
It was in response to a completely awful comment that had been posted on
a fellow blogger’s site. But, for
whatever reason, I never posted it. So
I’m going to go off on that rant, and then explain why it is particularly
salient to me right now.
The
comment was from a healthy person, which basically suggested that if the chronically
ill person would just shut up and stop complaining, they would be cured.
We’ve all
had our fair share of people who won’t believe everything we write, will offer
snake oil cures, or will go as far as to say that our illnesses are created in
our minds. There are healthy people who
will tell us to get over ourselves or offer advice when they really have no
place in the conversation in the first place.
But by
virtue of blogging, we put it out there, and we run the risk of people reading
it who just can’t possibly understand.
You know,
I’m the first to admit that I don’t always take stellar care of myself. My diet isn’t always as balanced as it should
be. And there a host of other things. But the bottom line is, the things that I
could do better are not killing me.
Self-blame
is NOT the answer people. I didn’t get
lupus because I’m a bad person or because I did something to deserve it. It happens.
Shit happens. Things happen that
we can’t explain or understand, but we have to deal with as best we can. We have to go on living.
And these
naysayers suggest that if we stopped being so self-absorbed, we’d be
cured. Yeah. Uh huh.
Because so many of the chronically ill people I know love to wallow in
self-pity. NOT!
In my
dreams, if I could be sick or healthy, of course I’d be healthy. But if I was healthy, I’m not sure I’d be as
compassionate and empathetic as I am (this post notwithstanding).
Seriously. Go F*** Yourself.
And when
you get sick, and feel like shit physically and emotionally, don’t come crying
to me.
And when
you get sick, it’s going to have nothing to do with being faint of character,
right? When it comes to you, it’s merely
that the universe conspired against you.
Funny how that works.
I feel
terrible for people like this because they are so ridiculously out of touch
with reality. They are the ones that
have problems. Not us. One day they’ll be faced with something they
never imagined, and they’ll shit their pants trying to figure out what to do
about it.
I have to
believe these people weren’t born moronic.
They became it. And then decided
to pepper the world with their unwanted and unwarranted opinions.
In fact, I
think we chronically ill folk appreciate the hell out of life. We don’t take the good days for granted.
And wow,
what a wonderful life you live indeed when you have time to spew this
crap.
And I
know, this is a bit the pot calling the kettle because I’m stooping to their
level when I shouldn’t even engage. But
it’s hard not to. And it’s not just for
me. It’s for all of my chronically ill
blogger friends, because I know that none of us are immune to these kinds of
people.
You know,
a truly happy person wouldn’t take other people down. Don’t they realize that their ignorance runs
deep, and the things they say hurt and offend?
However,
I’ve discovered recently that there’s something worse than these idiots that
read our blogs once and offer an opinion based on nothing more than their
ignorant thoughts. It’s mudslinging that
comes from another chronically ill blogger.
In some ways, this is harder, I think, to take, than the crap that comes
from the healthy, “well-meaning morons.”
This is
because they aren’t in our shoes and they can’t imagine being in our shoes and
could never understand in less they were in our shoes. And let’s be honest. Most of us don’t wish illness on anyone.
So when
one chronically ill blogger rags on another one for seemingly no reason, it
hurts a lot of us.
And I’ll
admit. I’m a bit biased. I really like ChronicBabe. I’ve met Jenni in-person and she’s super cool.
I’m not
going to explicitly call the other person out here. But I’ll link to Jenni’s response, and you
can get the skinny on the situation (Are the qualities of a ChronicMom and of a ChronicBABE mutually exclusive?). Or
not. It’s really not 100% important
exactly what was said. It’s what it
intimated. Basically the gist is that chronically
ill moms are on a totally different level than chronically ill non-moms.
One thing
that I find totally ridiculous about this comment is the fact that many women
in our community want to have children and can’t, or struggle with trying to
balance health and getting pregnant. So
what if ChronicBabe isn’t childless by choice?
And what if she is? Basically this
means that chronically ill women with children have it harder than chronically
ill women without children. This seems
like faulty logic to me.
As
chronically ill women, we have shared experiences, regardless of illness
type. And it’s true that chronically ill
moms may have unique challenges that women without children don’t have. But I don’t think that chronically ill moms
necessarily have it harder or worse than non-moms. I think it’s a mistake to factionalize our
community in this way. It’s concerning
to me.
It’s one
thing when there are rifts between chronically ill bloggers and the
well-meaning, but ignorant, healthy people.
But it’s another for there to be rifts between one chronically ill
blogger and another.
You know,
I’m a student, and I think it would be easy to think that my life as a
chronically ill person is more difficult than someone who is not a
student. But I can’t say that. There is absolutely nothing based in reality
that makes it so.
So why
this need to compare suffering? Why try
and push the agenda that one person has it harder than the other? I read a lot of blogs by people with chronic
illnesses that have a wide range of conditions; diabetes, cystic fibrosis,
cancer, colitis, and the list goes on and on.
I am sure there are some people who may feel that they have it
harder. Maybe they are terminal. But whatever the case may be, more often than
not, I find that what connects us is what we have in common rather than our
differences.
I’ve
shared this story several times, but it’s something I’ll never forget, and
seems appropriate once again. I was
getting steroid infusions and the girl next to me, who was maybe a few years
older than me, was getting chemo. I was
new to the infusion room, so I didn’t know all the rules, and was trying to ask
the nurse if it was okay for me to listen to my IPod. The nurse didn’t hear me, but the girl next
to me did. And she said 10 words to me
that I will always remember: “You do whatever you need to do to get through
it.” I looked at her, and thought, this
girl has cancer, and she’s cheering me on.
But in that moment, in that infusion room, we were equals. It didn’t matter what diseases we had or what
was being pumped into us.
And right
around that same time, I started my blog.
And this is why I blog. This is
what keeps me writing. It’s the
experiences I shared with all of you, and you’ve shared with me. It’s the encouragement that I receive, and
hope that I offer to others. It’s not
the mudslinging. It’s not the mean and
negative comments by healthy people.
It’s everyone reading this right now, and those who have read my blog in
the past, and those who will read my blog in the future.
I know
people won’t always agree with me, and that’s fine. But I hope that the ties that bind us are
stronger than the ones that don’t.
When a
healthy person attacks someone in our community, we spring into action. We take the offending person to task, and we
comfort the offended. And I think the
same rules apply when there is negative chronic-on-chronic action. So I’m standing up for my friend, and
hopefully for most chronic chicks out there when I say that we should celebrate
our similarities, and acknowledge, but nicely, our differences. A plurality of opinions in this community is
important, as long as they remain respectful to others. Words hurt.
But so does the absence of action.
I guess
the other thing is that as chronically ill people, we don’t have the market
cornered on suffering. A hurricane just
pounded the East Coast. Some people lost
everything. Illness isn’t the only bad
thing that can happen in life. I guess
there is the old adage, “At least you have your health.” But that’s really no consolation to those of
us that don’t. But the reality is, if we
can’t relate to other chronically ill people, who can we relate to?
* So I’d
like to clarify, in case you had concerns, that this title is rather
tongue-in-cheek.
Babe, I love you. Truly I do. What a compelling piece - and I appreciate your backing. Thank you! Big big hugs coming your way from Chicago, my friend! XO
ReplyDeleteSo true! I have a chronic illness, I am childless and I don't have a husband. I have a huge respect to my friends who are parents, with or without chronic illness. But I have my own sets of challenges to face. Like: I have no one to help me if things go wrong, because the rest of my family lives far away. If I lost my job, I'd be in deep trouble. And since I have to hold a job and do all housekeeping on my own, I don't have energy left for social life.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is constantly bemoaning the fact that I am single. She is really scared that I will get older, sicker, and will have no one to take care of me. In her mind, if I had a husband and children, I would have have help and support when things went truly bad.
It's not as simple as my mother thinks. But that's what the point is - we all have our own challenges to overcome, and it's not fair to compare suffering. We all do the best we can, in our individual circumstances, with our share of difficult choices.
I'm glad I read this - I have MS but even BIGGER than that... something that envelopes my whole soul - I know people want me to shut the f' up (sorry for my french but I'm being honest as they supposedly are.. I lost my wonderful 34 year old daughter three years ago and it's like ohhh, that topic AGAIN.
ReplyDeleteYES, AGAIN. My world turned upside down.
You said it wonderfully. I will always speak out against others who comment in such insensitive ways but it's hard for me to defend myself. Isn't that strange?
Those kind of comments are completely ignorant and the people who say them have in my experience, 9 times out of 10 are the ones who moan and complain to death when they have a common cold. A girl who once told me I needed to get out of the house, eat a good meal and stop moaning all the time because I am fine and really it's all in my head, came down with a common cold for about a week and literally all her twitter consisted of was things such as 'OMG I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING' 'I FEEL SO SO ILL' 'SOMEONE PLEASE BRING ME LOADS OF FOOD FILMS AND MAGAZINES I CAN'T COPE' etc etc.
ReplyDeleteIf that's how she reacts to a cold god help her if she spent some time in the shoes of the chronically ill, that's all I say.
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