Sometimes my
life feels like I’m in a constant state of taking two steps forward and one
step back. And maybe I am.
Just a few
months ago, my whole world fell apart for the third time. The first time was getting sick. The second time was my dad dying. And the third was that I lost my job, my
boyfriend and I parted ways, and I moved back to Michigan, all in the span of
less than a month. I had no job, no man,
no car or driver’s license, no place of my own.
Thankfully, my family and friends have been there for me, but there’s
only so much they can do. Everything
else falls on me.
Oddly,
though, my boyfriend and I breaking up didn’t gut me. At one time, it would have. It was more everything happening all at
once. I am still struggling with it, to
be sure, but I am not a depressed blob of a person that is unable to function
on my own. And I think this is because I
have suffered far more horrible losses.
Like when my
dad died almost two years ago. Or like
the friend that I recently lost to cancer.
Losing someone somewhat voluntarily (i.e. a breakup) is so much
different than losing someone in a way that one day they are there and the next
they are gone forever. Because in
reality, if I really felt compelled, I could contact my ex-boyfriend, or if he
felt compelled, he could contact me. But
I will never have another conversation with my dad. I can’t call him and talk to him, no matter
how much I want to.
And as I
think back to my ex-boyfriend and I, I don’t think I lost him when we broke
up. I didn’t lose him then, he was
already gone.
I’m feeling
really frustrated lately that I always have to be the bigger person. Even when I have been wronged, I have to be
the one to act like everything is okay.
I shouldn’t have to be forced to break bread with people that I can’t
stand to be around. I know that life is
too short to hold grudges, but sometimes people don’t just get along. So while part of me wants to take the high
road, part of me just wants to lay low, protect myself, and forget about the
rest.
So my life
is, albeit slowly, moving forward.
Now, I have
a job that I really enjoy. I am working
on driving. I am in the preliminary
stages of looking for an apartment.
And yet, I
want more.
Several of
my close friends are having babies, and several of my chronic illness blogger
peeps are also having babies. So I’ll
admit, I’m kind of jealous.
In my last
relationship, I think that one way I went wrong is that in the back of my mind,
I always had a timeline. So if I was 26 when we met and we date for
two years, and then we are engaged for a year, and then we are married for a
year, and then we spend a year trying to get pregnant, and then we have a baby…And
then the fear becomes reality because now I’m 30 and single. I’m 30 and totally not where I want to
be.
But I’m not
ready to date again. Right now, of
everything I have to do, it’s honestly the last thing on my list. I don’t want to be alone forever, and that’s
definitely a fear that I have. But I
also need some time to get back to myself.
I need to be totally self-sufficient again before I can consider relying
on someone else.
I don’t
always want to be a person who wishes for a life that they don’t have. I just want to be happy. And I know that before someone else can make
me happy, I need to make my own happy.
So that’s what I’m working on right now.
Making my own happy.
And of
course, chronic illness fits into this.
I’ve been working on some diet changes, and trying to learn how to
balance my first real full-time job with having lupus and RA. And I haven’t actually disclosed to most of
my coworkers that I am sick. So that’s
something else I have to work on.
There’s a
lot I have to work on. And I’m trying my
best to see the forest through the trees.
I’m trying to convince myself that I have time, even though I sometimes
worry that I don’t. I’m trying to remain
optimistic, and to tell myself that just because I’m sick, doesn’t mean I can’t
have the life I want.