13 Years

This is a visual representation of my story that was created for me by Rebeka Ryvola as a participant in Convening The Center.

It has been 13 years since I traveled from the kingdom of the well to the kingdom of the sick. And 13 years since I began to mourn the loss of my previous life.

Unsurprisingly, much has happened in that time. Aside from adding diagnoses and oft changing medication regimens, I’ve earned two master’s degrees and a PhD, I moved from Michigan to New York and then back to Michigan, I’ve lost relationships and gained some, lost my father and a host of other relatives, gained a house, a husband, and a dog.

I started this blog as a way to keep my family and friends updated on what was going on with my health, all in one place so I wouldn’t have to share the same stories over and over again. I also started it so that I wouldn’t feel so alone. At the time, I thought that I was the only 20-something in graduate school dealing with what I was. But as the title suggests, I guess I started it subconsciously as a way to get closer to myself. Looking back, blogging was a way to control the narrative of my life that felt as if it was spinning out of control. It was my story, in my own words. I am sure there are pieces of the story that those involved would disagree with. But when you spend so much time in waiting rooms staring off into space and so much time on exam tables, staring at the ceiling trying to disassociate from what is happening, you are constantly writing the story. I was creating the narrative in my head, not only to capture it and remember, but sometimes also to forget.

In 13 years, there have been indignities, often at the hands of people who were doing their jobs to the extent they were able but failed to see the person in front of them. Failed to see the 22 year old with ambition and wit and sarcasm. Failed to see the person I was losing and the person I was becoming.

I hate these retrospectives because they force me to remember, and often what comes to mind are the worst experiences. The time I had to poop on cue into a machine that had me suspended in the air. The physical therapist who helped me with my constipation issues who un-ironically had the unfortunate last name of Butts. The 27 tubes of blood that were taken from me at my first rheumatologist appointment. The years spent sick before I was diagnosed, the months spent being told it was either nothing or I could be dying.

In spite of the good, those experiences, which fade into memories/nightmares take their toll. Out of each I leak a bit of optimism/hope. I yearn for the innocence and naiveté I once had, that convinced me that people that did everything right didn’t end up chronically ill.

I never appreciated my health until I had to learn to live without it. And I wonder, who would I be today if I had been allowed to stay young a little bit longer? Who would I be without illness? Would I be better or worse or just different? But what’s the point in dwelling on a past that is over and a future that can never be? Pre-illness life is long gone. Living in spite of illness is what remains.

Yes, there is trauma, to be sure. But there is also love. Illness is a litmus test. It shows you who is willing to stand by, even when things are hard. And it shows you who isn’t. Who will call you lazy because they are too lazy to understand or empathize? Who will tell you that they’ll just throw a blanket over your head and walk out the door?

13 years later, I’m grateful that my illnesses are more stable than they once were, glad to have a medication regimen that works. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made in the chronic illness community, and the opportunities that have come because of my chronic illnesses.

The road is long and the path is not linear. If chronic illness has taught me anything, it’s that you have to be adaptable, open to change, and ready for anything. Chronic illness can be all consuming, but it doesn’t protect you from other things happening. It may feel like a bubble, but it is certainly not a protective one.

Life is full of light and darkness, and life with chronic illness is no different. Maybe even those senses are heightened. The light is brighter and the darkness is darker.

There were probably times over the last 13 years when I genuinely didn’t feel positive about the future, didn’t want to celebrate another year with “a more onerous citizenship,” yearned to go back to how things were pre-illness. I guess that’s why, having now lived through the majority of a world-wide pandemic, the prospect of not returning to “normal,” what life was like before, doesn’t worry me. I’ve lived through the same thing in a far more personal way, where my world changed, but everyone and everything around me stayed the same.

I don’t write as often as I used to, the constant hum and buzz of medical appointments and ridiculous experiences have lessened. But every time I do sit down to write, it pours out of me. I am an expert on my own body and my own story. I have lived the last 13 years to the best of my ability, and in some ways, I feel like the story is just beginning. It has taken 13 years to learn to live with illness, and now I feel like I am having to learn and adapt in new ways. When something has been the focus for so long, how do you take a step back and look at it in the rearview mirror? How do you seamlessly combine something that will always be with you but is no longer front and center all the time? And how do you cope when this thing rears its ugly head again or threatens to put your life and dreams on hold (again)?

So, here’s to 13 years, and hopefully to another 13 multiplied by many, many more. I’m grateful for those of you who are still here with me. It has been a long journey, and I thank you for sharing the ups and downs, and accepting both the beauty and the burden that the journey has brought along the way.

“Anyone Who Wants A Vaccine Can Get A Vaccine”… Unless They Are Chronically Ill Or Disabled

As I explained in a previous post, My Job, Not My Illnesses, Got Me A COVID-19 Vaccine. And my getting the vaccine only solved half my problem. The other half of the problem is that my husband, who is unable to work remotely, and works in a very public-facing occupation, had yet to be vaccinated as of the end of March.

My husband has asthma and high blood pressure. While he’s 37, he’s definitely at higher risk of getting serious illness if he were to contract COVID-19. Not to mention, he lives with someone who is immune-compromised (even though that’s not something that anyone seems to be considering).

He was on no less than five different waiting lists for the vaccine including grocery stores with pharmacies, free-standing pharmacies, the county health department, and multiple hospital systems.

And guess what? Thanks to a local Vaccine Hunters Facebook Group and some chronically ill tenacity, his wife (me) got him an appointment at a CVS 30 minutes away from where we live.

(To date, my husband has only come up on one of the waitlists he was on.)

But the experience confirmed for me yet again that the system is 100% broken. Our local, state, and federal officials have told us that “anyone who wants a vaccine can get a vaccine,” but this simply isn’t the truth. It couldn’t be further from the truth, actually.

Maybe by 2022, everyone who wants a vaccine will be able to get one. Trust me, I’m grateful that vaccines are available and that I was able to get one. I’m grateful that Vaccine Hunter groups exist that use the virtual hive mind to share information. But at the end of the day, don’t our elected officials have some responsibility not only to keep us safe, but to follow through on the promises they make? (And no, I didn’t sleep through 2020, so I’m aware that these questions are basically rhetorical)

As I hear from many of my chronically ill friends around the country and in Canada, who are no closer to getting a vaccine than they were when vaccines weren’t available or have to battle to get one, I feel their frustration. I feel the frustration that those of us who are under the age requirements that were priority, but have significant health conditions, have been totally left behind. Those of us with chronic illnesses and disabilities are not only not a priority, but we are an afterthought.   

As has been the case throughout the pandemic, chronically ill and disabled people have been left behind. And even those who don’t think of themselves in those terms but who are high-risk for COVID-19, like my husband, are simply an afterthought. Even more of an afterthought is that he lives with someone who is immune-compromised.

The longer the pandemic drags on, the angrier I become at the level of risk our elected officials have been allowed to pile on us, with little care or concern for the consequences.  

If you haven’t been able to get a vaccine, I would strongly recommended looking on Facebook to see if there is a vaccine hunters group in your area. I would also suggest that as things open up – (today in Michigan everyone 16 years and up is eligible) – to the general public that it might be easier to secure a vaccine, even though it shouldn’t have been like this. Everyone that was eligible based on age and conditions should have been able to get vaccinated before it opened up to everyone.

I’m looking forward to the day when my husband is fully vaccinated and I’m also looking forward to the day when we can truly say that “anyone who wants a vaccine can get a vaccine”. 

But I’m no public health expert, right? I’m just a patient.

My Job, Not My Illnesses, Got Me A COVID-19 Vaccine

For those of us who live with illness, the pandemic has brought into relief for many what some of us recognize is a daily slog of inequality and missed opportunities. There have been many lessons that I’ve learned over the past year, and I’ll have another post about that. But the major issue right now, is getting vaccinated. And I’ve been vaccinated, not because of my illnesses, but because of my job.

And I think that says a lot about what’s wrong with this country. We prioritize people’s careers over everything, including their health. I have chronically ill friends who are too ill to work. Or don’t work in healthcare. And they are still waiting to get vaccinated, with no real date in sight for when that might happen. So, they, and even I, who has been vaccinated, continue standing vigil over our own lives while seemingly everyone else attempts to get “back to normal” at our expense.

I thought everyone that wanted a vaccine would be able to get one. And that’s clearly not the case. My local hospital system has had to cancel vaccine clinics for weeks because they simply don’t have the supply.

My husband, who can’t work remote at all and has been public facing throughout the pandemic, has asthma and high blood pressure. He is on a waiting list, but because he’s 37, we literally have no idea when his turn will happen. And no one has accounted for people that live with high-risk individuals. Honestly, he should have been vaccinated before me because that would have provided mutually beneficial protection.

And if it weren’t for my job, I’d be waiting just like him. And there’d be no end in sight. And there’s still this archaic notion that only older people can be high risk. That only old people get sick. Like our state and federal governments think that allowing those 65 and older covers a large swath of the population. Thankfully, both of our moms have finally been able to get vaccinations.

But this is not the Oprah show. “You get a shot, and you get a shot, and you get a shot.” “A round of shots for everyone!” I get the job thing in terms of vaccinating frontline people first. I also get the idea of vaccinating the elderly. But the fact is, once again as has happened so many times during this pandemic, chronically ill people are left behind. We know exactly where we stand in the food chain. And in a world where it’s eat or be eaten, chronically ill people are the main dish. We are put on the altar of sacrifice with barely a second thought.

The slipshod, piecemeal approach doesn’t work. By letting the states decide, the guidelines just don’t make sense. For example, according to the New York Times, “Type 1 Diabetes will qualify you for a Covid vaccine in Ohio, but not in Indiana.”[1]

So instead of letting states decide, how about the government offer some guidelines? Didn’t we learn anything from allowing states to shut down and open up indiscriminately? Oh wait…Texas, I’m looking at you here…We’re still making the same mistakes that helped everything get so messed up to begin with.

I’m hearte1ned to see that in some places, my chronically ill friends (the majority of whom are under the age of 65) are starting to get vaccinated. But this is the vaccine Hunger Games, and for chronically ill people, the odds aren’t in our favor (unless you have a job that qualifies you).

---

[1] https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/09/us/covid-vaccine-eligible-preexisting-conditions.html?campaign_id=9&emc=edit_nn_20210309&instance_id=27904&nl=the-morning

Reflecting on Being a Graduate Student with a Chronic Illness/Disability

I am feeling triggered. Eight years after I graduated with a PhD from the University of Michigan, they are finally, finally starting to address the issue of graduate students with disabilities. While I was a student, I became vocal about experiences I, along with others, had as a result of identifying as a student with a chronic illness or disability.

I’ve linked the report, “Executive Summary of Report from Committee on Graduate Student Experiences with Disability Accommodations at the University of Michigan”, below:

https://rackham.umich.edu/downloads/grad-student-disability-accommodation-experiences-umich.pdf

The opening letter ends by saying they are considering a role for an advocate for graduate students with disabilities. This is exactly what’s needed. And I could do it.

The University of Michigan and others need to know they are AINO – this is my new term, maybe it will catch on – Accessible in Name Only. They opt to do the bare minimum, but what they don’t realize is that while they might not get sued, they won’t get cheered on either.

In my experience, it was hard. There was no support. I even had my dissertation chair tell me that if I went on to get a second master’s degree after the PhD, it would be viewed as a backward step. So what did I do? I did just that and I never told anyone on my committee. I told them I had to take some time and focus on my health and figure out what my next move would be. Eight years later, I haven’t spoken or heard from any of them. And it saddens me. My only crime was becoming chronically ill. Whether or not I could have made it as an academic sociologist, we’ll never know. But the reason I didn’t try is because I wasn’t encouraged, in fact, it was more the opposite. And as much as I am a fighter and the more someone tells me “no”, the more likely I am to try and prove them wrong, I didn’t have that kind of fight in me for myself.

I want to fight for chronically ill students in higher education. I want to go to battle for them like I hoped someone would have gone to battle for me. But it’s not about changing individual departments and disciplines, it’s about changing the institution of higher education. It’s about recognizing the unique issues that students with chronic illnesses and disabilities face, and finding ways to make sure they are successful in the academy in spite of that.

I wrote a letter to the Dean of Rackham graduate school to tell him how I felt about the report. I could have written the entire thing myself. I’m including it here in the hopes that someone from Rackham will reach out to me. My experience at U of M led me to Sarah Lawrence to study and focus on this issue specifically, so it’s time to take this journey full circle, back to where it started.

Dear Dean Solomon,

I am a 2007 graduate from LSA and a 2013 graduate from Rackham. During my first year of graduate school, I was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. As you can imagine, this came as quite a shock to me. I was in the graduate school “bubble” and imagined that would be the main focus of the next few years of my life. Then life reared its ugly head and I became chronically ill. 

Amongst other things, I was told that I would never make it in academia and would never make tenure if I stayed on an academic track. I was also told that maybe I would be a "more empathetic sociologist" because I was sick. 

While in graduate school, I was as active as I could be in advocating for graduate students with chronic illnesses and disabilities. I still receive emails and today I read the Report from the Committee on Graduate Student Experience with Disability Accommodations at the University of Michigan in its entirety. To be honest, I could have written this report. It saddens me that in almost eight years, so little has changed and the same, if not more basic questions, are only now being answered. 

When I went to SSD, I was met with confusion. I was asking for accommodations that could potentially change often. If I was feeling good, I would not need them. If I was feeling poor, I might. I needed a contingency plan and no one was able to provide me with one. My livelihood and health insurance were tied to me being a graduate student. The prospect of becoming seriously ill and having all of that ripped away was incredibly distressing. SSD wasn’t equipped to handle that; in fact, I didn’t really find anyone that was equipped to handle my situation. When I expressed concern about my preliminary exam, which would put me in front of a computer for eight hours, the accommodation I was provided was that I could take half of it the day before the scheduled exam and the other half the following day. This was not ideal, but I had no other choice. I ended up in a freezing computer lab, and by the end of the first four hours, my joints were so stiff, I didn't know how I’d be able to walk home. That’s just one example of many struggles I faced throughout my six years of graduate school at U of M. 

I know that my situation is unique as I went from being a healthy undergraduate to being a chronically ill graduate student in the same department. But the change in faculty members’ associations with me were unmistakable and profoundly sad and disappointing. I know that being a 22 year old chronically ill graduate student was not how I had envisioned my graduate school years, but being shunned and looked down upon in the same department that awarded me the award for the best undergraduate honor's thesis, was almost too much to handle. I finished my PhD in six years and was one of the first in my cohort to graduate, knowing that if I took more time due to my illnesses, it would not have been looked at in a good light, even if my peers took longer just because.   

After completing my PhD, I went to Sarah Lawrence College and received a master’s degree in Health Advocacy, focusing on chronically ill students navigating and succeeding in higher education. I miss the University of Michigan. I miss the intellectual growth that I received. But no one empowered me to go the academic route and I was conditioned to believe that if “I couldn’t hack it, I shouldn’t be there.” 

Eight years later, the experiences I had as a chronically ill graduate student at the University of Michigan remain traumatic for me, and had a profound impact on what I have gone on to do (and not do). I do not think that this is a phenomenon unique to the University of Michigan, so please don’t take this email that way. I think this report is a good, albeit long delayed, first step. I know that many of us have watched as accommodations that we requested and were denied have been put into place for the masses due to the pandemic. We now know that what we were asking for is not so farfetched or impossible. 

I hope you or someone reads this, and I hope someone reaches out to me. The needs of chronically ill students are still unmet and I fear that by focusing on the issue solely from a “disability” lens will continue to marginalize and silence chronically ill students, many of whom may not consider themselves disabled. 

Sincerely (and in solidarity),

Leslie Rott Welsbacher, MA, MHA, PhD

Thanksgiving is Canceled

 

I haven’t written a lot during the pandemic. I guess because I’ve sort of felt that we’re all in the same boat, even though we’re not. We’re not because there are people who continue to flout responsibility. 

There are people who think the pandemic is a hoax. Still. Even after nearly 250,000 of our fellow Americans have died. A quarter of a million people. Let that sink in.

In Michigan, I thought we had turned a corner. In June, we were down to 100 cases a day. And then our Republican legislature decided that it would be a good idea to have our (Democratic) Governor’s powers struck down. And can you guess what happened? Our cases have gone up, astronomically. (See graphic below)

(From https://www.clickondetroit.com/topic/COVID-19_Data/) 

Last week we reported over 8,500 cases in one day. More than double our worst day during the first go around. I’m not trying to be overly political. It’s a fact. If you look at the graph and look at what happened after October 2, 2020, it’s pretty clear to see (and if you can’t tell, I added an arrow and a box for reference).

Even before our state came out with new restrictions, we made the difficult decision to cancel Thanksgiving. It was a difficult decision, even as a high risk individual, but it ultimately is not worth the risk to myself and to the rest of my family to hold a gathering. I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if anything happened to anyone in my family because we held Thanksgiving despite the risks.

So I decided that I would make food and we would drop it off to everyone – outside. That way, we can all be fed. I even found a way to get Kosher Thanksgiving food delivered to my sister and her husband in Ohio.

And for those who are mad now, just wait. I guarantee the restrictions that are starting aren’t going to be enough. And you know what? I don’t care if you’re mad. You know why? Because I want to live through this, and I want my friends and family to live through this. I’ve been on near house arrest for 9 months and I’m not complaining. For those who feel that their freedom is being diminished? How would you feel if for 9 months, your entire existence has been diminished? Those who say that those of us who are chronically ill and disabled can just stay home while the rest can go on living their lives? If you can’t see past your own nose, that’s the problem. This isn’t about you. It’s about the collective, we, us. We need to be safe, not just for ourselves, but for everyone else. I would love, love, love to spend Thanksgiving with my family. But it’s just not safe.

This year sucks. That’s the only way to say it. While I do know someone who had COVID in the summer, I now know people who have family or friends that have died from it. Don’t believe me? Read this heartbreaking blog post from my friend Kelly. So the reality is, things are as bad as they are claiming. COVID seems to be getting closer and closer, no matter how hard we try and avoid it.

So yes, we have been and will continue to do hard things, to protect ourselves and our loved ones from COVID. It may fall disproportionately on those who are high risk than those who are healthy or opt to believe that COVID isn’t real or that it cannot possibly get them. I saw a meme that said “Zoomsgiving is better than ICU Christmas”. So do what you have to do to make not celebrating this year akin to celebrating. Know that making the choice now means more celebrations later.

And just remember, while Thanksgiving is canceled, love and family are not. Be grateful that we have technology that can connect us with our loved ones, no matter where in the world we (and they) are. We cancel this year so that next year, we are all healthy, safe, and alive so that we can gather together then. Because there are people, like my friend Kelly, who won’t be able to have Thanksgiving or any other holiday with their loved one again.

Book Review: “The Things We Don’t Say: An Anthology of Chronic Illness Truths”*

I love reading, but reading is one of the things that has taken a hit during the quarantine. My attention span has suffered. “The Things We Don’t Say: An Anthology of Chronic Illness Truths” by Julie Morgenlender came at the perfect time. It even comes with a disclaimer that you don’t have to read it all at once. I’ll have you know, I didn’t read it all at once, but I got about 100 pages in before I took a break.

The stories contained within the book’s pages are just as heartbreaking as they are all too familiar. They speak to the losses that we all have endured when having to change our lives because of chronic illness. They speak to the relationships that survive the confines of chronic illness and the ones that do not. They speak of the guilt we feel for the things we can do and the things we cannot.

I think the book also brings to light the disproportionate impact that chronic illness has on women. Maybe men are afraid that sharing their chronic illness experience will make them not seem as manly. So the few male stories in this book make it unique and provide a perspective that isn’t always included in the chronic illness narrative.

Just like Marcia Allar’s “Life Savers,” the stories in this book come in different colors and flavors. They are not one size fits all. Some are more narrative while others are more “how to”.  

This book takes me back to an experience I had early on in my chronic illness journey. I had just finished my first year of graduate school, and was in the hospital getting steroid infusions. I had never been in that environment before. The girl in the chair next to me was being treated for cancer. I was trying to get the nurses attention, and I asked the girl if we were allowed to listen to IPods. She looked at me and said, “You can do whatever you need to, to get through it.” At that moment, I felt like diagnosis didn’t necessarily matter in terms of community. In that moment, our diagnoses didn’t matter, what mattered was our shared experiences as chronically ill people. And this book left me feeling the same way. I may not have fibromyalgia or ehler’s danlos or a host of other conditions that the authors in this book write about, but regardless of diagnosis, the lived experiences are much the same.

I related to Katherine Ernst’s experience of a doctor questioning another doctor’s diagnosis and asking why she hadn’t fought the other doctor, even when the new doctor is asking her to trust them.

And as Sónia Lopes writes, “But no one told me that the social aspect of living with a chronic debilitating disease like this would be the hardest for me to manage.”

I’m struck by how, 12 years into my illness journey, so little has changed. Young women are going years with serious symptoms, battling to find doctors that will take them seriously. Throughout, I found myself shaking my head, both in agreement and dismay.

I want to thank Julie Morgenlender and the other authors who contributed to this book for sharing their stories. 

Now more than ever, we need books like this. We need our voices to be heard and our stories to be told. And we also need to amplify the voices of those who aren’t given the opportunity to speak.

If you want more information on the book visit Chronic Illness Truths.

To purchase print or digital copy of the book, it is available on Amazon.

*****

Morgenlender, Julie. (2020). The Things We Don't Say: An Anthology of Chronic Illness Truths. Three Barrel Bluff.

* I received a free digital copy of this book from the author. However, the review presented here is solely based on my personal opinion of the book.

Being Chronically Ill In The Age of COVID-19

(https://nypost.com/2020/05/20/end-new-york-citys-lockdown-now/)

I happened upon the May 23, 2020 issue of the New York Post and was greeted with “One Man’s Plea” regarding re-opening New York City, the crux of which was, “The elderly and infirm can continue to be isolated,” but the quarantine must end for everyone else.  

This trope makes me so angry.

Why is this narrative okay? Why is this thought process okay? Because we’re useless? Because our lives don’t matter? What I’ve learned from this pandemic is that a lot of people lack a sense of social responsibility. It should not be every person for themself. Like refusing to wear a mask because it may make you physically uncomfortable temporarily. But it may also save other peoples’ lives if you are asymptomatic but have COVID-19. Everyone’s actions in regard to this virus have consequences on other people. It’s not just you endangering your own life.

While I have been very much in support of the Governor of Michigan throughout the pandemic, I am somewhat dismayed at the lack of effort that has been put forth regarding at-risk populations.

Did you know that in the Governor’s plan for re-opening Michigan it is strongly suggested that at-risk people shelter-in-place through Stage 5? Stage 6 is post-pandemic. As in, there is a vaccine. Best case scenario, that’s six months away, but more than likely that’s 18 to 24 months away. And that’s really only if it’s not a live vaccine because that will mean that many at-risk individuals, including myself, won’t be able to get it. And that would mean that everyone who isn’t at risk that is already calling the vaccine “the government’s excuse to microchip us” would have to put their theories aside and get vaccinated for the sake of others, because many of us who would get it won’t be able to.

I’m sick of the crying and bellyaching about how people are minimally inconvenienced by wearing a mask. I’m angry that a lot of people are willing to throw away the lives of others. The “why should I give up my freedom for your life” is more “why should I give up my life for your freedom.” But really, it’s a false dichotomy. Such questions and decisions diminish us all. It is inherently ableist to think that the “elderly” and “infirm” can be thrown away.

We’re being forced, not into institutions, but into our own homes, where it is presumed we will stay and be quiet until the appointed time it is designated safe – if that ever happens – for us to re-enter the world. But we all have lives that exist outside of the four walls of our homes. And those lives are vibrant, valid, and as important as any one else’s.

So while I’m happy that everyone else’s life is opening up, restaurants and bars are re-opening, I’m sorry to say that I won’t be going. Because the reality is, the only one who is going to keep me safe is myself. And for now, that means staying at home.

***

As of this writing, the guidelines have changed. But at-risk individuals should still practice social distancing and wearing masks, while apparently no one else has to. Staying home is safer. Now we have a target, not on our backs but on our faces. This everyone-else-can-go-about-their-business is bullshit. And it’s tacky. The state basically re-published the guidelines and plastered on it “Reopening programs and services for older adults age 60+ and vulnerable individuals with underlying health conditions.” This isn’t progress, this is politics.

And we weren’t asked. As far as I can tell, no patients or doctors were consulted in this decision-making. And we deserve a place at the table. No evidence has been provided. And maybe there isn’t any, but if there isn’t, that should be disclosed. “We have no evidence to support our poor decision-making. Consult your health professionals for guidance.” Whatever. That’s better than what we’ve got. And what we’ve got is nothing. If, after careful thought, consideration, and planning, it is still deemed that the most realistic option is to shelter-in-place as much as possible, I will take it. But I cannot and will not accept no effort or thought being put into this decision.  

The reality is, this pandemic has brought into full relief the injustices that have always existed in this country, where minorities of any kind are at higher risk for worse outcomes of everything, including COVID-19. And as the last several weeks have shown time and again, at risk of death from many things other than deadly diseases, simply because of their minority status. 

So if this feels like a kiss off, it probably is. As I railed against this to a friend who is not chronically ill, she said that the state should have just put a post-it note on the document that said “be careful, good luck…” It’s basically akin to “stay safe out there.”

This is a failure of epic proportions. It’s not just a healthcare system that was unprepared, it’s a government that has been teetering on the brink for longer than we’d like to admit. It’s that America has never had a good safety net in place for the most vulnerable among us. And to think that altruistic people will remain so when they are out of work and struggling themselves is completely unrealistic and puts the blame everywhere other than where the blame should be.

So before newspapers like the New York Post give front-page status to a whiny baby, maybe they can make room for the people that need their voices to be heard. Maybe someone, for one minute, can try to understand that while I am lucky to have a home that is livable and clean, has functioning utilities, and is safe, being at home indefinitely may not be the best option, physically or emotionally, for me or any other high-risk person.

Ultimately, it’s about what we are willing to accept, as individuals and as a nation. Mitch Albom wrote more eloquently than I ever could about “acceptable losses” and how much we are willing to lose for the freedom to leave the house and move through society unfettered while the pandemic rages on, whether we want to admit it does or not (https://www.freep.com/story/sports/columnists/mitch-albom/2020/05/27/mitch-albom-coronavirus-100-000-covid-19-memorial-day/5251822002/).

Truly, I have very little desire to be anywhere but home right now. It’s not that I don’t yearn to get back to my life as it was before March 13, 2020. I do. But right now, everyone is a threat, those wearing masks less so than those who aren’t. I will live in a bubble that I didn’t consent to.

My chronic illnesses have morphed into something that I clearly haven’t accepted because in 12 years, with the exception of once, I’ve never had to accept this kind of personal protection. I never signed up for being chronically ill meaning that I’d be afraid to leave the house and I’d be afraid of every single person that I came in contact with. I never considered that what could be floating around in the outside world could be worse than what was going on inside my body. And I never expected that when everyone had to be weary of that threat that the resounding response would be “Not me. It’s not my responsibility.”

Because we know that “The elderly and infirm can continue to be isolated” isn’t just the plea of one man, but the plea of many.

A House Divided, But We Stand United

I am lucky that I have a job that is allowing me to work from home, potentially for the long haul. I am lucky that I have a company laptop, and that our house has a reliable internet connection and all of the other necessities that I need to be able to do my job from home.

And just to be clear, my company wasn’t set up for this. My set-up at work includes a laptop and an additional monitor, while the normal set-up is two monitors. I started working from a home a week before all hell broke loose, not realizing that this would become anything other than temporary situation.

On the other hand, my husband works at a big box store that has been open for the duration of the pandemic as it has been deemed “essential”. (No offense to my husband’s livelihood, but this #HighRiskCovid19 wife disagrees with that designation) His job cannot be done from home. His continuing to work unfortunately increases the risk level of bringing COVID into our house. Due to other issues, my husband didn’t work for several weeks when the pandemic was really starting to surge in Michigan. One thing his employer has done is provide a fair amount of additional paid and unpaid time. My husband basically takes several days off a week to limit exposure, but also to stretch the amount of time off he has to utilize.

And to be honest, we had the conversation of going without his income. If he felt the risk became too great, he could take unpaid leave. Unfortunately, when you live with someone who is #HighRiskCovid19 but doesn’t have COVID-19, that scenario doesn’t fit into any of the extra-extra time off categories. So just because I’m high risk and my husband lives with me and loves me, doesn’t mean that his employer (or anyone) feels that he should get over and above time off to minimize his risk, which subsequently becomes my risk. And it’s not just his employer. There seems to be a black hole for this type of situation.

And making this is decision wasn’t just about me. We had to consider my husband’s mental health. What would it be like for him to not have anything to do and nowhere to go all the time? On the flipside, we don’t want his mental health to suffer if the concern for risk at work becomes too great and he is anxious all the time about the risk to either of us.

While we could live without my husband’s income, we cannot live without his benefits, which means he has to work enough so that his paycheck is enough to cover our benefits.

We are lucky in so many ways. But this struggle is real. The decision for my husband to go back to work after his initial time off was something that we both agonized over. Because once the cat is out of the bag, there’s no turning back. If he ends up exposed, forget everything.

These are the steps we’ve taken to do what we can to minimize the risk of my husband getting exposed to COVID-19 and bringing it home and exposing me:

1.       My husband wears gloves and a mask at work;

2.      He leaves a change of clothes in the garage, changes in the garage when he gets home, and leaves his work clothes in the garage until he washes them;

3.      We got him his own thermometer to take his temperature – doesn’t seem like the best thing to share at this point (and I don’t trust the inexpensive forehead thermometers that we could share);

4.      We have a very small stock of our own gloves and masks so that he isn’t relying on his employer to provide PPE;

5.      He uses disposable items to transport and eat his lunch rather than using items from home, like reusable containers, bags, and utensils, so these items are not being brought back into our house. 

Of course, by virtue of my husband leaving the house and going into an environment with co-workers and customers coming from all over, there will never not be a risk. But we are doing the best we can with the situation we have, knowing that we are incredibly lucky to both still have jobs during this difficult time.

And while we are divided in our ability to work from home, we are united in the quest for both of us to stay COVID-free.

In This Age of Connection, Why Do I Feel So Disconnected?

Today, we are more connected than ever. There’s Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snap Chat, text, email, snail mail, Zoom, Face Time, Houseparty, and the list goes on and on. (I’m almost in my mid-30s, I’m trying to keep up with the times, but it’s getting hard) There are so many ways to connect outside of IRL in this age of social distancing, yet what I crave is connection. IRL.

I have nearly daily Zoom meetings for work and I get to see some of my co-workers that way, but it’s not the same.

And the funny part, coming from this introvert, is that all I want to do is see some of these people and hug them. (Ew, gross, so not a hugger, can’t believe I would even suggest that, so not work appropriate) And I know that when I do eventually get to see them, I won’t even be able to do that.

The prospect of continuing to work from home indefinitely is daunting. Not as much the productivity part of it as much as the camaraderie part of it. As much as co-workers can sometimes get on our nerves, I miss most of mine. I miss being able to walk from my office to their desk to talk to them or ask a question. I miss being able to wave “hello” in the morning when we arrive.

What’s interesting is that nearly all of my chronic illness relationships were born, and built, online. There’s only a few handfuls that I’ve gotten to meet IRL. And all of those relationships have truly been life sustaining, but we’ve never known any different. Being spread across the country and world, IRL is a luxury and not a guarantee, with different diagnoses, and different levels of illness and ability.

But now, even the relationships that were born and built IRL are being forced out of IRL and into the world of Face Time, Zoom, and Houseparty. And I really don’t like it. Like I said in my last post, you can keep malls and movie theaters, and I’ll add casinos, gyms, theme parks, and beaches. I don’t need those. I can make my life smaller. But what I can’t do is live without my peeps. I just cannot.

I saw my mom the other day very briefly and I hadn’t seen her in over a month. A MONTH. And she literally lives 10 minutes away. Some might say we’re being overly cautious and that we aren’t living life at our own expense. But honestly, as someone who is #HighRiskCovid19, is being too careful a thing?

Is my feeling of disconnection the price of keeping myself safe?

I fear that if we try and go back to “normal”, it will all fall apart. Is it really possible to get together, wear a mask and stay six feet apart? I believe the need for normalcy will trump (no pun intended) the need for being and remaining cautious.

We don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But what good is physical health if emotional health is non-existent?

I know that life as we knew it may never be the same as it was before the pandemic. I know that there are sacrifices everyone is having to make. But how do we balance the sacrifice with quality of life? How do we make life as we know it now just as fulfilling as life was pre-pandemic without jeopardizing our safety and the safety of others in the process? And how do we maintain connection when we are so physically disconnected?

When It’s Over, Will It Really Be Over?

I’ve had a lot of time over the past days and weeks to reflect on COVID-19 and my experiences as a chronically ill person. To say I’ve been scared is an understatement. At home, I feel safe. I’ve barely left my house in over six weeks, and don’t plan to unless I absolutely have to.

From a personal standpoint, what I’m struck by the most is that I’ve once again been forced to face my own mortality. This isn’t the first time, and I know it won’t be the last. And don’t get me wrong. The specter of this hangs over my head as a chronically ill person all the time, but there are some times when I feel it more than others, and now I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to not think about it.

When I was 7, my grandfather died. When he died, I think that was the first time that I really understood what death meant, and that eventually it comes for everyone.

When I was 22, I was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. It felt like until that point, I had been plugged into a wall outlet and the plug had been pulled out. It felt like I was dragging an impossibly short cord.

Two years after my diagnosis, I got a pneumonia vaccine at the recommendation of my rheumatologist. To this day, no one is sure if the reaction I experienced was due to an allergy or because the vaccine had been administered incorrectly, or both. I spent three days in the hospital, almost lost my arm, and could have lost my life. It was the first time that I realized that these illnesses could kill me.

When I was 29, my dad died unexpectedly as a result of severe flooding in Michigan.  To that point, the worst thing that had ever happened to me was getting diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. When my dad died, the worst thing that ever happened to me happened to someone else, happened to someone that I love(d).

Many things happen in life that we will never understand. They happen indiscriminately. But what really gets me about COVID-19 is that there were warnings. There were signs. There were things that could have been done to prevent it or mitigate its effects. And now, daily, hourly, people in our country are suffering and dying. And for what?

And those of us with chronic illnesses/disabilities have targets on our backs now more than ever. I know that I fear getting sick and not being able to get care if it is rationed to the degree that people are talking about.

I’m also frustrated, because as things start to reopen, I know that my life will not reopen like it will for healthy people. I realize that my life won’t get back to “normal”. And that’s when I realize that I lost the luxury of “normal” 12 years ago, when I was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. I lost the luxury to make certain decisions that I would have made indiscriminately before, and are now made at the behest of my chronic illnesses. So for all those who celebrate the “new normal” that will come, for me, there will be a “new new normal”. Another mind- and heart-shift amongst many as a chronically ill person.

Right now, I don’t know what that “new new normal” will look like and I don’t know when it will occur or it already has. All I know is that when I left work the second week in March, knowing that I would be working from home, I never imagined that there wouldn’t be an end date. I never imagined that going to the grocery store, something I clearly took for granted before, is totally off limits to me now. I never thought I’d have to think about every move I make or every place I go. And I never thought I would have to justify my very existence to people I thought were friends. But in the age of COVID, nothing, and everything, is off limits at the same time.

The only thing that makes me feel more “normal” these days is that because COVID has sidelined everything, I’m going to doctors on a more normal schedule. My gynecologist cancelled my six-month follow-up and my dentist cancelled my every-three-month cleaning. Makes me wonder how essential they were all along. But for now, with no problems to speak of in those areas (knock-on-wood), I’ll take the break. Because going to the doctor right now, if I don’t need to, feels like more of a risk than it’s worth.     

I am grateful for many things, and know that I am in a position that not everyone can be in right now. I have a job that is allowing me to work from home. I still get a paycheck. I am able to afford what I need. But I miss my family. I would like to be able to see them more than just through my side door. And that’s all I want. I don’t care about going to the mall or the movie theater. I just want to spend time with them, because as this pandemic has reinforced, life and time is something that we aren’t guaranteed.

When Health Is The Focus Again

It’s been a while. Mainly because my health hasn’t been the center of everything. It’s so easy to write when things aren’t going well. It’s harder to write when they are.

In the last two years, I bought a house and got married. And of course, lupus and rheumatoid arthritis have been there and figured in. We bought a ranch because I didn’t want to be forced to navigate stairs if my health declines. A lot of what went in to planning our wedding was done with chronic illness in mind. But even so, those events were at the center.

Now, due to circumstances beyond my control, my health is front and center again. Several months ago, I found out that Quinacrine was no longer available – more about that in another post. As a result of this, my rheumatologist suggested that I go back on Plaquenil. I had been on it before, with my previous rheumatologist, with little success. I told my current doctor that, and he wasn’t convinced. Even when I told him that I had been taken off of it due to elevated liver enzymes, he told me that was incredibly rare with Plaquenil.

So I played the game. I started taking Plaquenil again, just to prove a point. And prove a point, I did. Pretty much every side effect that comes with Plaquenil, I had. I had headaches, extreme nausea, and severe itching. I switched to taking the medication at night instead of the morning and that helped with the headaches and nausea, but I continued to have extreme itching all over my body.    

When I told my doctor my symptoms, he told me that I must have an intolerance to Plaquenil and that I should stop taking it. He didn’t offer any other options. Well, other than telling me that I could make a killing if I could find a way to manufacture Quinacrine myself.

And with this situation, I feel like nothing has changed in the 12 years that I have been sick. Because of my “overlap syndrome” of lupus and RA, many treatments aren’t an option for me. Methotrexate didn’t work and caused elevated liver enzymes and low white blood cell count. Cellcept and Tacrolimus were no good either, for various reasons. Humira caused me to go into the worst lupus flare I’ve ever experienced and so that means that typical biologics for RA are basically off the table for me.

So for now, I’m on Imuran and that’s basically it, at least until I want to get pregnant. And then the jury is out because my rheumatologist and gynecologist disagree on whether I can remain on Imuran during pregnancy. More than likely, I’ll have to give it up, too.

And then where will I be? The ultimate test. How will I be on nothing at all? Will I be able to function?

It’s beyond frustrating.

And right now, I don’t feel great. My labs don’t look great. It all feels like a crapshoot. There are no clear answers or easy decisions. There’s just better or worse.

My old rheumatologist used to measure progress based on whether I was having more good days than bad days. For most of the time I saw him, I was having more bad days than good. But things got better. And I’ve maintained that. Going off of Quinacrine and back on Plaquenil changed things. Suddenly, I was having more bad days than good.

So for now, I wait. Wait for solutions and treatments that don’t exist, wait until the answers become clear to me.