Filtering The Can’t From The Can

While I’m just beginning my professional life, and therefore am new to it, I’m not as good at saying no to things related to writing, my blog, chronic illness, and health advocacy. 

But as far as social commitments go, I have become fairly good at picking what I can and can’t do.

To be clear, this isn’t simply an evaluation of what I want to do.  There are many things I want to do, but ultimately can’t or don’t do because they will either cause me to lose too many spoons, which will prevent me from doing other things, or I’ve already hit my spoon limit, and trying to do anything else would add insult to injury.

It has taken me a long time to get here.  There was a time when I said yes to everything, and often, at great detriment to myself. 

And it’s just not worth it to me. 

And there is still a part of me that really would like to be able to say yes to every social invitation that comes my way.  Saying no is something that I still struggle with, but it is never just a knee jerk reaction.  It is something that takes thought and consideration on my part. 

I know that not everyone understands this.  

It’s really hard when I get pushback when I know that I’m making the right decision for me.

And maybe some people view that as being selfish and thinking only of myself.  But when it comes to my health, everything else comes second.   

And maybe people questioning me when I say no to invitations is a New York thing.  I truly do not remember my life in Michigan consisting so much of running interference about the decisions I make in regard to social events.

And my decision is my decision.  If it’s an event that also involves my boyfriend, and I feel that I can’t go, he can always go without me.  I hope I’ve made this clear to him. 

My saying no and begging out of things doesn’t mean that other people have to feel sorry for me and not go or not do something in solidarity with me.  I don’t expect that from anyone, including those closest to me.

But I do expect some understanding that when I say no, it is truly, first and foremost, a decision that is more about my health and less about the specific event. 

As much as it’s hard for me to say no, I guess it’s hard for some people to accept that answer (and this is something that has happened more than once with different people).

And maybe on my end, it’s expecting too much.     

Sometimes Pushing Your Body Is Refreshing

My schedule has been pretty busy lately. 

In the last several weeks, I have started two internships, which means working 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., four days a week.  Being a chronic student, I have never really had to work a full-time schedule before.  So having a more traditional job is totally new to me.

Before I started interning and I had a little free time, I decided to push my body physically, and walked at least 10 miles in a matter of two days.  It was sort of planned and sort of not.  I went a little overboard. 

When it comes to work days or activity days, I don’t always feel it until I stop moving.  Like I can go, go, go, and the minute I stop, it all hits me. 

But even with that, I forged ahead.  Call it stupidity or tenacity or whatever word you find appropriate…

Of course it’s only good until your body bottoms out, which I knew it would.  But it took an entire week before it all hit me, and then I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

I was of course reminded that life isn’t as it used to be. 

And that my go, go, go and never stop attitude and behavior that I really prided myself in before I got sick doesn’t really work anymore.

It is nice to be able to push my body, to see what it can and will do…and what it won’t do.

I think it’s really interesting how we move through different phases of life and how we have to figure chronic illness into that.

In terms of pure physicality, I’m still learning my limits.  Obviously some days are worse than others.  I’ve also learned my limits in terns of social activities, which has taken a long time (which is the subject of another post).

And now that I am working a full-time job, there are new issues to deal with and balance (also another post).  Of course, I am fairly exhausted, so one of the first things that always seems to go is my exercise routine.

I’m still trying to figure out where and when exercise comes in, so I’m kind of glad that I overhauled it before I started working.

I think the only way to know your limits is to test them.  I really wasn’t sure what my body could handle, so I threw as much as I could at it.  And ultimately, I sort of regretted it.

But on the other hand, pushing it was kind of refreshing.  It made me realize I could do more than I thought I could, and it actually took longer than I expected for everything to come crashing down.

This is not something I plan to do all that often, but it is a good way to assess what my limits are at any given point in time.