Finding My Way Back To Myself (And My Blog)

Over the last five months, I’ve been really struggling.  My time has been consumed by a job that I used to love, but had increasingly become toxic.  And then it was ripped out of from under me once again, almost as quickly and easily as it had fallen into my lap.

I promised myself this time that I would concentrate on the fact that the job was only temporary.  And I wouldn’t get seduced into thinking that I could make a career out of it.

It doesn’t make sense.  I know my supervisor will retire in the next few years, and the person that they hired after my first stint, talks openly about the fact that he will retire in a few years as well, so I can’t figure out why they wouldn’t want someone young and fresh to groom to make a career there.  But I guess that’s not my choice to make.

It seems that the problems of the patients that I was dealing with consumed me.  When I first started working there, I was so pumped and energized, and felt like I was really helping people.  But then things started going awry, patient complaints got worse and came in much more frequently, and I was increasingly having to put out fires that I didn’t cause.  But that doesn’t mean that I was ready to throw in the towel, not by a long shot.

But in that time, everything else has fallen by the wayside.  My blog has suffered, my writing for the other blog sites I write for has suffered, and the only time that I’ve been truly happy is when I’ve been doing patient advocacy work, going to conferences, being around other patients, and speaking.

Sometimes life throws us opportunities.  And I am grateful for the opportunity that I was given in my previous position.  It has taught me about myself, and what I do and don’t want to do.  First and foremost, I want to help patients navigate their healthcare.  I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. 

When my first stint came to an end, I was devastated.  However, I looked at it in two ways.  One is that the offer came at a time, a few months after my dad died, that gave me the ability to get out of bed and have somewhere to go every day, when I easily could have disengaged completely.  It gave me a purpose.  And two, then I had time, just as school was getting crazy and coming to an end, so I was able to finish strong.

This time, I was also devastated, but not surprised.  I worried all along that something would happen that would leave me jobless.  And apparently, budget cuts are at the heart of this (at least that’s what I was told). 

I put so much time and effort into this position.  I gave it everything I had, and then some.  And again, I allowed everything to suffer, my relationships included. 

So now I’m working on getting back to what I know and love – blogging, writing, advocacy, and creating small jobs for myself that will hopefully lead to something bigger and better.

I know that wherever I end up, I have a lot to offer, it’s just a matter of finding that place.  I have so much energy and passion, which I put into my last job, and which I will exude wherever I end up next.

I’m not too proud to ask for help, so if anyone has any leads on jobs that might be a good fit for me, please send them my way.

In the end, this blog is called Getting Closer to Myself.  That’s what I’ve been trying to do from the start, is figure myself out, and helping improve the world along the way.