"Feeling Strangely Fine"

“At night she spreads her wings

She dreams of bigger things

She floats above the town

She sings without a sound”

- “She Spreads Her Wings,” Semisonic

*****

“I spread my wings and I learn how to fly

I’ll do what it takes til’ I touch the sky

And I’ll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway”

- “Breakaway,” Kelly Clarkson

The last few days I’ve been very busy with work and other things, mainly because I could. I’ve actually started to feel like my “old” self again, although this has made me fall quickly into habits that I should still be avoiding, even though I’m feeling better (like organizing at two in the morning).

But it’s strange. I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote my last post about my doctor’s appointment, which turned out not to go as I had planned. But I’ve come to the realization that Doctor C and I are never going to understand each other completely. And we’ll both just have to deal.

I think that what frustrated me the most is that in the beginning, I was basically forced into taking medication. Granted, no one had to shove it down my throat, but I was pretty unsure about the whole thing. And now, I was primed and ready to go for new medication, but Doctor C obviously had other plans.

There has also been some movement in the right direction by my department, as there seemed to be a lapse in communication, which I alerted those involved to (and the situation was resolved).

I’ve also made space in my life for things that I had sort of closed the door to, things that I probably wouldn’t really have even considered pre-illness.

It’s odd to think how quickly things can change, sometimes for better, sometimes worse. And it’s crazy to realize that, shockingly (I’ll admit), life does go on despite illness. I never thought I’d say that (and I bet you didn’t think you’d ever hear me say it), but I am saying it. And I’m happy to be saying it!

When I look in the mirror, I’m beginning to recognize the person that stares back at me. Me! Or maybe I’m beginning to be okay with that person, cranky body and all. I feel like I’ve shed some layers or baggage or whatever you want to call it. For the first time in a while, I think I can say that I’m happy, that despite the aches and pains, life is more good than bad at the moment.

For me, illness has forced me to become more spontaneous, to let things go, and to not take things so seriously. I’ve learned that some things don’t need as much attention as I’ve given them, and others need more attention than I’d previously thought or wanted to admit (self-care, ahem (cough), ahem (cough)).

At some point, the feeling of an ever-crumbling foundation has to stop. It’s nice to have other, less pressing matters to worry about. And it’s nice to see my friends rally around me for things that at our age, we should be worried and excited about.

I do worry, though, that this burst of “health” is going to be short-lived. But I learned very early on in this journey that worrying and being afraid all the time doesn’t solve anything, in fact, it often times makes things worse.

So I’m going to face today for what today has to offer, nothing more, nothing less. And I’m going to keep this positive attitude for as long as I can.

(Now there’s something to be thankful for! And since I probably won’t get a chance to post again, Happy Thanksgiving!)